Why We Started Repair

We started Repair because there are so many people in today’s world who don’t know how to have healing conversations. So many of us were never taught how to repair a relationship. We were never taught what to do after we had a fight with someone. So what do we do? Well, we either avoid conflict entirely, sweep things under the rug after a fight, stop talking to the person altogether, or rely on anger to get someone to change their behaviour. Why? Because for so many of us, healthy communication was never modeled. We never learned these skills.

Avoiding conflict: This works great in the short term. If we avoid conflict, we don’t have any ruptures and nothing to repair. Sounds great, right? Until we can no longer avoid it. We are all human, and anger is an emotion that communicates to us our limits and boundaries in relationships. The more we avoid having tough conversations, the more that anger and resentment build up, and guess what? Eventually, we explode.

Sweeping things under the rug: Sometimes, especially for minor conflicts, we don’t need a big conversation after. The problem is when we start sweeping things under the rug even for conversations that we do need. If we don’t process our emotions, it creates more distance in the relationship.

Stopping communication altogether: There are times when we decide that someone no longer belongs in our life. But doing so without even trying to repair the relationship (when abuse is not present) is unfair. We’re not giving the other person the opportunity to repair, and we’re also robbing ourselves of the opportunity to get feedback on how we showed up in the relationship.

Relying on anger to create change: This usually happens when we care deeply about preserving the relationship, but we don’t know how to ask for what we need in a helpful way. The tricky thing is that anger can be very effective for setting a boundary, but it often comes at the cost of the connection we’re trying to protect.

I want to be clear: none of these behaviours are inherently problematic. In some situations, they are the most effective strategy. But in many relationships, there are more helpful ways to have these conversations, ways that allow us to get what we need and build deeper connections.

We created Repair because we believe everyone, no matter what their life experience has been like, deserves access to tools that help them build stronger, healthier relationships. Even if they’ve never seen it modeled before.

Imagine how different our world could be if more of us knew how to repair. If we knew how to love better. If we knew how to show up for each other, especially when it’s hard.