Why did we start Repair?
July 30th, 2025
Dr. Arela Agako and RAI
We started Repair because there are so many people in today’s world who don’t know how to have healing conversations. So many of us were never taught how to repair a relationship. We were never taught what to do after we had a fight with someone. So what do we do? Well, we either avoid conflict entirely, sweep things under the rug after a fight, stop talking to the person altogether, or rely on anger to get someone to change their behaviour. Why? Because for so many of us, healthy communication was never modeled. We never learned these skills. Here is why the approaches I mentioned are problematic:
Avoiding conflict
This works great in the short term. If we avoid conflict, we don’t have any ruptures and nothing to repair. Sounds great, right? Until we can no longer avoid it. We are all human, and anger is an emotion that communicates to us our limits and boundaries in relationships. The more we avoid having tough conversations, the more that anger and resentment build up, and guess what? Eventually, we explode. Because we are human, and there is only so much we can handle when it comes to our limits being crossed. You might be thinking: “Shouldn’t the other person just know that X or Y isn’t okay?” Maybe they do, if they think exactly the way you do. But the problem is that humans are so different, and we have different limits. Hoping someone else will figure yours out is basically hoping they can read your mind.
Sweeping things under the rug
Sometimes, especially for minor conflicts, we don’t need a big conversation after. We can agree to disagree and move on. The problem is when we start sweeping things under the rug even for conversations that we do need. The issue here is that for certain moments, especially the ones that are hurtful, if we don’t process our emotions, if we don’t talk about it, it creates more distance in the relationship. And over time, the accumulation of these moments leads to the positive emotions we feel for the other person slowly fading.
Stopping communication altogether
There are times in our lives when we decide that someone no longer belongs in our life. And sometimes that is the right choice. But doing so without even trying to repair the relationship (when abuse is not present) is unfair. We’re not giving the other person the opportunity to repair, and we’re also robbing ourselves of the opportunity to get feedback on how we showed up in the relationship. Maybe there’s something about our behaviour that impacted the other person too. The ability to both ask for and take accountability is imperative when it comes to creating healthy relationships.
Relying on anger to create change
This usually happens when we care deeply about preserving the relationship, but we don’t know how to ask for what we need in a helpful way. The tricky thing is that anger can be very effective for setting a boundary and getting someone to change. But it’s also one of the worst emotions to lead with when our goal is to maintain closeness. We might get the behaviour change we’re asking for, but it often comes at the cost of the connection we’re trying to protect.
I want to be clear: none of these behaviours are inherently problematic. In some situations, they are the most effective strategy. When a relationship is abusive, it’s absolutely appropriate to walk away without explanation. When a boundary is repeatedly being violated, sometimes leading with anger is what finally gets us heard. And yes, some conversations can and should be swept under the rug because other, more important ones take priority.
But in many relationships, there are more helpful ways to have these conversations, ways that allow us to get what we need and build deeper connections.
We created Repair because we believe everyone, no matter what their life experience has been like, deserves access to tools that help them build stronger, healthier relationships. Even if they’ve never seen it modeled before.
Imagine how different our world could be if more of us knew how to repair. If we knew how to love better. If we knew how to show up for each other, especially when it’s hard.
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